Dear God: I turn to you.

Listen to Untitled – Lost words.

Dear God,

I’m down on my knees, with my head touching the cold floor, and my tears flooding down my cheeks. Oh God, What should I do now? Where do I go from this? Is there an end to this ominous road, or is the end of all roads?

I turn to you before others, I turn to you with others, I turn to you after others, I turn to you all times. I pray like no other. I do. I believe like no other. I question. I get no reply, maybe I do, but God, I am too blind to see it. I am too deaf to hear it. I am too cold to feel it. I am too numb to sense it. What do I do now? Where do I go from this?

I question life, not you. I question pain, not you. I question lies, not you. I question people, not you. I question myself, not you. I question forgiveness, not you. I question hope, not you. I question sanity, not you. I question friendship, not you. I question love, not you. I question happiness, not you. I question death, not you. I question death, not you. I question death, not you. I question all, never you.

My soul is dirty, naked, and stripped away from all its deeds. I am chained to sins and demons. I plead for mercy and guidance. I fear of trust and hope. I repeal away from lies and misjudgment. I run towards you in times of happiness. I run towards you in times of joy. I run towards you in times of acceptance. I run towards you in times of need. I run towards you in times of despair. I run, run, and run. I have been running all my life. My destinations have always been away and to. What do I do now? Where do I go from this?

This – this unbearable feeling of… I cannot find the rights to describe the internal cluster I am now in. There is no word, feeling, or emotion that can describe it. I feel helpless. I feel lost. I feel lost from being lost. I feel hopeless from hopelessness. I feel cold from coldness. I feel tired from tiredness. I feel confused from confusion. I feel exhausted from exhaustion. What do I do now? Where do I go from this?

I never understood three things:

1-      Why we are brought into life with tears and expected to smile all the way through.

2-      Why life is so simple, but hard, harsh, and cruel.

3-      Why death is so short, so sudden, and so stunning, yet long lasting.

I need you now more than ever. I need your grace in my life. I need your swift command to take me away from this. I need you to lift me up. i do not need bags, cloth, money, cars, villas, friends, or anything. I need you. I just need you to guide me through this life, or take it all away.

Where do I give up? Where do I raise my white flag of withdrawal? Give me a sign, show me a way. Give me a reason, let me know. Let me know. Make me understand. Help me understand. Help me understand. Help me understand. Make me understand. Show me how to understand. Allow me to understand. Oh god, please just let me understand. I need to understand.

What is the use of living when I am dead inside? What is the use of pretending when I am numb at heart? What is the use in sight when I blind in mind?

I turn to you before all.

I turn to you with all others.

I turn to you after all have failed.

I turn to you before

I turn to you now

I turn to you forever

I turn to you…

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