Archive for February, 2011

The Universe: Inner-Confusions and Outer-Quarrels.

Now Playing: Profondo blu – by Fabrizio Paterlini (Click on Player)

Situations alter mostly all the time. We as humans seek change in orthodox seemingly ways so much so that they become the normal routine of our lives. We accustom ourselves to the harsh reality of life thinking it is the only way to living. Surely, when one finds a seat too big or too small – regardless of how hard they tried to fit in the seat, at some point, one would get up and change the seat (The Simpler way of doing it)

We somehow seem to suppress our souls and accommodate ourselves in contained and locked up situations disregarding comfort due to the rigid mentality of “Deal with it”. My fingertips refuse to type down whatever my mind commands it to, or do they?

Nonetheless – Away from inner-self confusion to outer universe of misunderstandings and quarrel: The universe as we know it is nothing like we know. Lately my interest spam has widened to fill the universe – literally. I tend to question my surroundings so much so that I asked myself a key question: Do I even know what my surroundings are?

Apparently, I do not. On a quest to understand human psychology through my eyes, I took a few steps back and decided to understand the world in particles and atoms. My mental memory in this quest seems to be remedial. A part from the Astronomy course I have decided to take this semester, I managed to put my Google skills into action by finding one of the most magnificent 9 minutes of my life (And possibly yours too)

Powers of Ten:

How do I relate this video to my everyday trouble?

Well, after watching this video and following the news of Arab world closely – I have come to a conclusion about my day-to-day worries: They do not matter.

La fin.

Dear God: I turn to you.

Listen to Untitled – Lost words.

Dear God,

I’m down on my knees, with my head touching the cold floor, and my tears flooding down my cheeks. Oh God, What should I do now? Where do I go from this? Is there an end to this ominous road, or is the end of all roads?

I turn to you before others, I turn to you with others, I turn to you after others, I turn to you all times. I pray like no other. I do. I believe like no other. I question. I get no reply, maybe I do, but God, I am too blind to see it. I am too deaf to hear it. I am too cold to feel it. I am too numb to sense it. What do I do now? Where do I go from this?

I question life, not you. I question pain, not you. I question lies, not you. I question people, not you. I question myself, not you. I question forgiveness, not you. I question hope, not you. I question sanity, not you. I question friendship, not you. I question love, not you. I question happiness, not you. I question death, not you. I question death, not you. I question death, not you. I question all, never you.

My soul is dirty, naked, and stripped away from all its deeds. I am chained to sins and demons. I plead for mercy and guidance. I fear of trust and hope. I repeal away from lies and misjudgment. I run towards you in times of happiness. I run towards you in times of joy. I run towards you in times of acceptance. I run towards you in times of need. I run towards you in times of despair. I run, run, and run. I have been running all my life. My destinations have always been away and to. What do I do now? Where do I go from this?

This – this unbearable feeling of… I cannot find the rights to describe the internal cluster I am now in. There is no word, feeling, or emotion that can describe it. I feel helpless. I feel lost. I feel lost from being lost. I feel hopeless from hopelessness. I feel cold from coldness. I feel tired from tiredness. I feel confused from confusion. I feel exhausted from exhaustion. What do I do now? Where do I go from this?

I never understood three things:

1-      Why we are brought into life with tears and expected to smile all the way through.

2-      Why life is so simple, but hard, harsh, and cruel.

3-      Why death is so short, so sudden, and so stunning, yet long lasting.

I need you now more than ever. I need your grace in my life. I need your swift command to take me away from this. I need you to lift me up. i do not need bags, cloth, money, cars, villas, friends, or anything. I need you. I just need you to guide me through this life, or take it all away.

Where do I give up? Where do I raise my white flag of withdrawal? Give me a sign, show me a way. Give me a reason, let me know. Let me know. Make me understand. Help me understand. Help me understand. Help me understand. Make me understand. Show me how to understand. Allow me to understand. Oh god, please just let me understand. I need to understand.

What is the use of living when I am dead inside? What is the use of pretending when I am numb at heart? What is the use in sight when I blind in mind?

I turn to you before all.

I turn to you with all others.

I turn to you after all have failed.

I turn to you before

I turn to you now

I turn to you forever

I turn to you…

Ramblings: Cyclones and Non-happenings.

Now Playing: Far Away From Here – Fabrizio Paterlini (Click on Player)

Words and I have run out of commonalities. I seem to have forgotten who I am, and what words mean to me. I seem to have lost directions and landed in the right way. How is it, though? How can I have lost my way to end up right where I belong? Words and I only gather at sadness and confusion. Never do we gather in happiness or fulfillment. They seem to control me, rather than me controlling them.

It is but the broken road that lead to here. Here is where every moment is spent in laughter. Here is where every second is spent in joy. Not every second of it, but every memorable one. Tonight, however, I go back to memory lane for one last visit. I go to memory lane to let it go. I stand upon my despairing memories and for once I control them. I overcome them. I do not fear them. I do not tear on them. I simply stand upon them and perhaps smile a bit.

The last weeks of my life have been but a complete temperamental cyclone. Though I have reached the road of happenings, I am still traveling. A traveler of hopes and dreams that one day I may accomplish. Never have I imagined that I would reach a night; as tonight, and not fear the power of my words. Never have I witnessed a time where words and I did not clash. Words flew oh so gently out of me, so painfully, so utterly, that I could not help but write some more.

Wounds seem to generate the words I write. While I stand here tonight, letting go of memories, I turn the pages of wounds and ever longing scars. I let go of not just memories – but words; Word that once were everything to me. Who am I; if not my words?

I could be mistaken. I might be too doubtful. But tonight, as hard as I tried, words failed. At moments, even words fail. But then, what shall I do, who will I be, and where will I go?

Preoccupied by fate, taken for granted by memories, stripped of truth, I am nothing but a hopeless rambler tonight, seeking words, not pain. My actions speak for themselves; Unloading the unloaded, fighting the unworthy, tampering with patience and pushing away the past. There goes the past; here comes the future, Oh – but the future. I fear of future, more than the past, for I have overcome the past – and unaware of the windy future.