Archive for October, 2010

Purity..

Now Playing: Cello – Reno 
 Purity
Cold feet burn the soul
Torched down trees stand tall
A leopard seeking revenge
A little rabbit proud and avenged
I find not what is true
I seek purity and not the blue
To gather the ashes within
Plunge the knife further in
Little red riding hood
Scared, yet proud she stood
Crumbled pages of unspoken words
Pain, woe, and plenty of hurt
Nails painted red and white
Eyes stained with tears at night
Folded pages come to an end
Peace of mind is heaven sent

A Naked Soul..

Last night, I lost control of myself. 
I let my thoughts lead me to a world I fear. I went along with them, hoping to find answers I long seek. I was not afraid of it anymore. Sometimes, we do things we feared once before, because what we fear of now is worse than what were afraid of before.

I tried to make sense of what is happening now. I tried to understand the darkness that I am in. I tried to fix the broken glass, and glue the pieces back together. My hands were bleeding with guilt. I had to glue back the pieces, but my hands were no longer capable of doing a thing.
I was very disappointed in myself. How I failed the courage inside me. It took me so long to enter that world, only to walk out of it with more answers. I do not understand why that happened. I thought that the major leap of faith that I took was enough for me to find all the answers and for once – set free.
I thought about relationships, friendships, families, and how it all connects by one person – me. I thought about disappointments, failures, wounds, broken promises, and how they all meet at one – me. I thought about commitment, love, trust, hope, success and how they all divert at one point only – me. 
I feel torn. This internal gap of feelings in me is maddening. I move from one failure to the other, not knowing where the trail of failures will end. I hope with each failure, and the drastic feelings that come along, that it is the last failure. I do not know when those failures end and I wish upon a shooting star for some of peace of mind. 
I dabble with my emotions a little, just to see how far I need affection. I do not know whether it is true or not; the distance my emotions traveled.
This picture I worked on last night, I do not know how it ended like this. To many people, this picture is just scribbles of a two year old. To me however, this is how I currently feel. This is my naked soul. Stripped from all the fake smiles and set to be what it truly is.
An internal mess.

Ulterior motives!

“I know what your problem is…”
“What?”
“I know why people always fail you…”
“Tell me! Unlock the mystery for me!”
“You’re too naive”
We live in a world that never seizes to change. Planets never stop circling; the sun always shines; and people always change. It’s as though everyone has their own alarm clock inside their head and every time the alarm goes off – they change.
The problem is, no matter how much we change or try to; there will always be those things that keep taunting us. They never leave. Call them memories, call them flashbacks, call them nightmares, call them whatever you want them to – They won’t leave.
I have written so much about memories and how they captivate us before. But I always seem to come back to one question: Who’s haunting who?
There are times in our lives where we stand against that ticking clock and not welcome change. We seem comfortable at the stage we are in. we enjoy the courtesy of pain – complete numbness. However, it’s not possible to remain constant in a variable situation.
“I wonder…”
“What are you wondering about?”
“Whether you’ll change once you’re in university”
“I won’t”
“Promise?”
“Only if you’d stay by my side”
“I Promise”
The other problem is, everyone else is changing. I laugh ironically at promises given before; that are now as solid as gas. I mock myself at times, thinking how foolish was I to believe that everyone around me is good, and that everyone has a good heart deep inside.
“You have to change”
“How?”
“You have to think of what people’s ulterior motives are to being nice to you”
“There are good people in this world you know”
“You still have to change”
So, I have to change. I have to grow up. I have to stop believing in the good of people. I have to stop believing in people’s promises. I have to stop being naive. That’s a lot to digest all at once.
Whatever happened to simplicity?

The Journey…



The Journey…
A drained soul ceases to care
Weary faces here and there



Forlorn hearts fold away
Eyes shut tightly as if to pray



Pain, love, and tears…
Joy, happiness and fears…



All come as one and leave undone
Fighting back only to run..
 

The mind continues to wonder
The veins within fill with thunder



A sign ahead leads the way
Where to, no one can say…