Pain: The Incapacity to Love.

Now listening to: Broken – Lifehouse.
I try not to think much these days. I try not to speak as loud as my actions. I try to believe that every day is beautiful; because I need beauty in my life. I try to shift over those times when it gets gloomy. I try to put a smile on every day; because I need happiness.
Things sometimes, tend to go where we don’t want them to. Things sometimes, start somewhere but end up completely and entirely mistaken in the wrong direction. They tend to get carried away, and for a split of a second – you think; oh lord, what have I done?
Mounted guilt is what comes after – and lots of it. It’s a bit scary how guilty we can feel at times. It’s terrifying to know that with our actions we become assorted under groups we never thought we would ever belong in. At times, life seems to be so perfect all at once, that it falls – all at once, removing the mask it once wore, and revealing the hideous reality it truly is.
I wanted to give myself a chance to believe that the sun does shine after heavy rain. But I never pondered for a moment – what if the sun burns everything and everyone?
What if the over-shine of the sun unleashes an unbelievable fire that could only be put out by the heavy rains – the same ones I prayed upon to stop?
I never thought I’d wish for the rains to come, and turn out the fire that I accidentally triggered. I never thought that I’d rather live in a windy season, full of internal emotional cyclones – as long the only person in pain was I. I never thought I was going to hurt anyone. I never thought I would ever let myself reach that far along in the cycle. I never thought I would turn into a heartless creature.
I swore to myself I will never let anyone feel any pain. I took a pledge upon my damaged heart I shall never let a soul feel the confinement I was once felt. I promised myself I shall never join those heartless creators – the ones who broke hearts mercilessly.
Now, I know how they became heartless and why they broke other’s hearts.
The cycle of pain is quite absurd. The way it unfolds from one person to the other, breaking their heart; smashing it into little pieces, crushing it into smithereens, and then burning it into ashes – complete nothingness, is completely dire. Turning them into merciless creators; unable to love again.
The matter seems to be summed up in one devastating rational statement: “A Breaks B’s heart, B Breaks C’s heart, C breaks D’s heart… and so on…”
The definition of pain; as Google and Wikipedia both helped to define: is the unpleasant feeling common to such experiences as stubbing a toe, burning a finger, putting iodine on a cut and bumping the “funny bone”
Nevertheless, that is not the pain cycle I am refereeing to. Pain – is the incapacity to love. It is physically impossible to grab someone’s heart out of their body and break it. The actual heart cannot be broken. As my English professor has acknowledged the symbol of love however, is pointless.
The one we draw with cracks in the middle, or with an arrow crossing over, or even with another symmetrical one right next to it.
My question here, which heart should represent love; the one that is physically unbreakable, or the one we tamper with whatever way we please?
As awful as it may sound, we all end up hurting someone in our own cycle of pain. Maybe because once before, we were hurt or maybe because we can’t bare the idea of getting hurt again, or perhaps the idea of really moving on; taking that final leap of faith – is the one step we wish not to make.
The whole cycle confuses me.
Who hurt who; to begin with?
Who do we blame?
Do we blame A – knowing that A has already been broken – for completing the cycle?
Why should D pay for what A did?
Should be blame B and C as well?
Why does it have to be a cycle?
I just don’t know anything anymore.
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